Waiting: A light in the darkness

As we enter, full swing, into the Holiday Season, all of my senses take me back to several of our miscarriages (they always seemed to happen on or around the Holidays).  All of these sensory echoes - Christmas music, the smell of cinnamon, the glow of Christmas lights - send me into a quiet introspection.  I am, most often, taken back to the Christmas Day (and subsequent days) I spent lying in wait on the couch until I could get in to see my doctor.  I spent those days dreading every twinge inside my body and tuning in to every change I felt, hoping upon Hope that my trip to the doctor when her office finally reopened would bring good news.  What I remember most was the waiting.

I felt so helpless in the not-knowing and so alone at times.  I was afraid to laugh, or move too quickly, or stand too long.  It was like my life was on hold while the world moved in fast forward around me.  I was at a standstill while everything else swirled at super speed, and I couldn't (and didn't want to) keep up.

Wait, my daughter, until you know how the matter turns out.  

Ruth 3:18  

I was alone with my waiting, or so it felt.  I think, in those days, I was too scared to listen for a small, still voice.  I did pray during that time, but I remember the prayers being desperate prayers whispered in the quiet for "it to just be okay."  I know that I tried to negotiate with God.  I tried to bargain for my baby.  I alternated between making promises and cursing the unfairness.  I felt at my most helpless and my most vulnerable.  

Wait on the Lord.  Be of good courage, and He will strengthen your heart.  

Psalm 27:14  

At the time, I was just waiting to go back to the Doctor.  To figure out what was happening to my baby and my body.  My sight was nearsighted.  After several more miscarriages throughout the years, the uncertainty and waiting never got easier, partly because the duration of the wait allowed me to drum up Hope only to argue myself out of it time and time again.  I spent hours pouring over online forums reading the similar stories of other women to try to forecast what outcome my situation would bring.  Life got put on hold, every. single. time.  And although the wait has never gotten any easier, I have come to recognize the Love that accompanies me in the wait.  I have come to understand that Hope lives in spite of us, and that even though it was that very Hope that made the waiting painful it was also the thing that made it bearable.  And in my situation, even though the Hope of a successful pregnancy never came (with the exception of my beautiful son), the ability to Hope is what made me feel strong through it and after it.  

But those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength.  They shall mount up with wings like eagles.  They shall run and not be weary.  They shall walk and not faint.  

Isaiah 40:31

Although these days I still struggle with the loss, enough has happened that I'm able to see my past as part of my purpose.  I am grateful for what I have learned from Hoping, losing Hope, and regaining it again.  I am grateful for what I have learned about myself - the good and the bad.  I know that all over the world, and throughout time, women wait.  Woman wait to find their one true love.  They wait for a baby. They wait for a diagnosis.  They wait for a path out of an abusive situation.  They wait to find a voice.  I do not think we are meant to possess saint-like patience.  I think it is ok to curse the uncertainty.  Because at the same time we are pacing the floor and watching the clock, we are finding trust in the waiting.  Even if it is against our will and sometimes forced on us by matters beyond our control - when we wait, we eventually find trust and we begin to hear that small voice of Love that reminds us we are not alone.  

I will put my trust in Him.  

Hebrews 2:13

Tonight, I will light a candle in my home to honor all of the women who wait.  To honor their strength, their grace, and their tears.  Burdens become lighter when shared.  It is my Hope that in some way, the small flame of Love and Hope that I light is carried out into the world to warm those who feel alone and give a light, even a small one, to their darkness.  

The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it. 

John 1:5